Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
