I got chris browned last night
smell my finger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
