Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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