So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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