My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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