I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
