she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
