ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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