Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
