I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
