Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
