You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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