Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
