Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
