You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
