My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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