Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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