i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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