I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
