I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
