If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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