i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
