i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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