I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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