Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
