I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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