does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sext me about skeletons
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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