Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
