Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
