Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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