she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
