when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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