you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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