He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
