Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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