Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
