Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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