I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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