i just sent this text using only my big toe
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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