Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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