I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
