I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
