Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
