The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's always time for handjobs
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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