you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
