Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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