i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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