I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
