My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize