bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
