i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
