Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
