i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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