My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
