id be glad to
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
