If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
