guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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