I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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