Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
